The Switchy Gypsy Princess

No.  I'm not mad at you.  Only myself.

Only myself for allowing this all to happen again.  For thinking, even for a flash of a moment, that I could be someone that you might actually want to be with.  Someone you had fallen for.  Someone that you love.

I let myself believe...what the fuck was I thinking?

So many years ago, I told myself that I would never let anyone hurt my like I had been hurt before.  It was too much...it almost crippled me.  I got through it...everyone always does...but I swore to myself that I would never let the walls down far enough to have someone tear my heart apart again.

But yet, here I am.  Crying into my keyboard on a Tuesday morning, feeling like my heart has been poked through with millions of tiny holes...slowly leaking out the pain and the love and the hope.

I know it's not fair.  That you really don't know just how deep this dagger runs.  You really don't know that right now I am feeling (again, despite my best efforts), like I am not enough.  Not enough.  Not enough.  Those are the words that run through my mind, on constant playback.  And that fucking sucks.

So even if you told me tomorrow, that you have "figured it all out," that you know what you really want, and that what you really want is me, I'm not sure I could give me to you, again.  The one thing that I wanted to give to you for so long, I now don't think I can.  And that's a shame.

So up go the walls, the barriers to my heart.  I'm sorry babe.  But I have to.

xo