When

the fuck are you going to make this right?

The Promise of a Dream

Yes, I dreamt of you again last night.  I admit it's been quite a while since you took top billing in my nocturnal state, but yet, there you were like you had never left.  In my dream you had returned, you knocked on my door, asked to come in, and we talked and talked.  You told me everything that you've ever needed to tell me.  And I listened for a long time.  Then I woke.  And when I woke, it was with such promise, such hope...maybe that's what propelled me to call you this afternoon.  I knew in my gut that you wouldn't answer, but I couldn't shake my dream from my head and my heart.  So in that blindly hopeful way that I often have, I called.  I have to admit, I did have that butterfly-y feeling in my stomach, thinking that maybe, just maybe, you'd pick up.  I don't know why I felt that, but I did.  I guess that's the hope talking.  

I am so many things on any given day.  I am sad, angry, happy, hopeful, confused, hurt.  Sometimes I experience two wildly different emotions within the same breath.  It's fucked up, really.  But then again, your silence is fucked up as well.  

I still cry, though maybe a tad less than early November.  I am still wracked with confusion and pain.  I still miss you, despite whatever and everything. But mostly I am simply sad.  Sad that you value relationships so little that you can do this to someone that you once professed to care so deeply about. Sad that I believed (and despite how fucked up it is, still do) you when you said I could always trust you to catch me, protect me, keep me safe.  So many times I asked you, told you that we could stop "this" and you assured me there was no reason to stop.  Til there was, but still no reason.  

I just fucking miss you, you asshole.  I miss your voice, your smart ass comments.  Your refusal to accept my crazy shit.  I miss your swagger, your slaps on my ass, the ponytail-pulling.  I miss dreaming big dreams, and making lists of toys for each other.  I miss hearing your sexy growl when you cum. I miss the feeling of my pussy, wet from just the thought of you.  I miss all of you, you fucking piece of shit.  And that sucks.

LinkedIn Humor

In a half-hearted attempt to keep my professional wheels spinning forward, I've been trying to better maintain my LinkedIn profile.  Update it here and there, add a new photo even maybe.  Or...holy crap...even update my skills.  I know, the horror, right? I have no idea if it really matters, but it's keeping me busy on some minute level. If my brain is occupied, then my heart is not.  Which equates to less hurt, less heartache, less frequent outbursts of tears.  And I'm tired of crying and hurting and generally feeling like ass, so it has to help.  

But each and every fucking time I log in to LinkedIn, the first thing it asks me is if I know O.  And that perhaps I should "connect" with him.  Ha. Sure, I'd love to connect with him.  I'd love to ask him how he's doing, what he's been up to since we last "connected." Is he happy, sad, upset, thrilled with life?  Yes, all those questions and so many more. But I can't.  Or more accurately, he can't. 

 LinkedIn has a very dark and fucked up sense of humor, clearly. Do I "know" O?  Sure I do.  We've worked, played, argued, imagined, hoped and dreamed together.  But do I really know O?  No fucking clue.

I know I can hit the little "x" button and clear his name from the top of the suggestion list of people to connect with.  And each time, my finger hovers over it for a half second.  I know that maybe I should.  But I can't and I don't.  For a thousand reasons I don't.  

I guess I don't because I still hope.  Still hope that one day I will connect with O.  That he can share with me all the fucked up shit that went down.  The reasons why he just bolted from my life.  The good and the bad, all of it, every last fucking little bit.  I do still hope, every day.

So thanks LinkedIn, for your totally dark sense of humor, as I wipe away the tears and smile through the pain.

information

What do I do with this information?  How do I proceed?  Or do I just need to let it all go and be free of whatever this is?

But honestly, it feels like someone ripped off the scab of a decade old scar and now it won't stop bleeding.

And I hurt.  Have I mentioned that?  Yeah, pretty sure I have, but nothing's changed in the past 12 hours, so yup, still hurting.  Ugh, so sucky.

I thought about going to the gym, but after not really eating a whole bunch recently, I'm feeling pretty weak, so I just took a long walk around a local pond, it IS a beautiful day out there and part of me at least can still see that measure of beauty, so that's good, right?

Ok, back to the information at hand.  I think part of me just needs to put this all down somewhere, so that I have it out of my head and onto the page.  I'm thinking that will help me process, so here goes. But if you are reading this, remember, this post is for me, not you.  So my apologies in advance for any blabber and general lack of storyline.

About a year and a half ago, a man came back into my life.  I had known him before, as a colleague and kinda a friend, but that was about it.  He was going through some stuff in his life with his health and his relationships, so I just tried to be a supportive person that was there.  He left about 2 years into his working with us for health reasons (or so I have believed).  When he returned, about a year later, he seemed different, but nonetheless still the same, generally happy and always smart-assy person that I knew before.  Let's just call him "O" to make the story easier.

As O and I continued to work together again, there was a spark and an interest and conversation about life and sex and many other things.  But basically, the gist that I got was that he was no longer with his ex, he had moved out and was living on his own, and still had the dog.  I'm not one to pry all the time, so I just let him tell me what he needed to in his own time.  Part of this uncovered his desire for a D/s relationship on top of a "normal" relationship.  Through much flirting and conversing, we at least recognized a desire to explore this with each other.  But work.  Yup work was in the way.  So we did our best to keep our hands off each other, but yeah, we all know how that goes.  And soon enough we were talking dirty, acting filthy and generally making each other feel pretty fucking good.  And while we were still acknowledging that "this" was a bad idea while working together, we did manage to grow close.  I let him in, I felt safe enough to trust him, and he seemed like he was starting to trust me (which is an admittedly hard thing for him to do). Everything seemed good.
And then about 7 months ago, he just pulled away.  Like gone.  Nothing.  I pushed back, confused and stunned and he just told me he needed some space. So he got it.
I don't really know for how long, but the space he asked for seemed to do the trick.  He re-engaged, and things started to get pretty interesting in all those lovely ways.  We talked of a future, we talked of joining forces in our profession, we talked and talked.
But let me be clear here, with O I knew I was taking a risk.  He is 7 years younger than me, and has had some shit in his life.  I knew he had trust issues, but I was willing to open myself up, willing to hope, willing to trust him to never, ever hurt me like I have been hurt in the past.  I had even gone so far as to frequently remind him that if he wasn't in "this" for the long haul, then we should just stop right now. O assured me at every turn that as long as I was patient, all will be well. He promised me that he would always take care of me. And I believed him.
From here, I will cut to the chase. O gives notice at work, a fairly lengthy notice, but that was the right thing to do.  So based on emails and conversations with O, my thought was that once he was no longer working there, we would be free to explore a deeper relationship.  One with shared experiences, with openness and love.
So he leaves.  And I have not seen him in 5 1/2 weeks.  Yes, we've talked.  It's been pretty bumpy at times.  And I had even suggested that maybe I just need to let him go.  But until this past Sunday, we've been able to work through whatever we are feeling (or really, whatever I am feeling). He did tell me that he just had a lot going on, was feeling pulled in a 100 different directions, and that while there would come a "time for us," now was not that time.   Ok. Fine. Got it.  Don't like it, but I've got it.
Sunday rolls around, and I'm on FB getting ready to message my aunt about borrowing her condo, when I see a name on her friends page that seems familiar to me.  Out of curiosity I click on that friend.  And lo and behold, I find this friend holding an tiny baby in her arms.  And then it clicks.  This friend is the mother of O's ex. And like in some really bad slow-motion scene of a shitty movie, I scroll down the comments to read all the congratulations for O and his ex.  I see all the glowing well wishes for the happy family. And I start to shake.
I have no idea what I am looking at, but I know it's not making any sense in my head.  Until I start doing the math.  I text O.  I tell him I've just stumbled across this very confusing thing and need some help understanding.  He asks me if it can wait.  No, it can't wait.  I need a yes or a no answer to 2 questions:
Are you back with your ex?
and
Are you a new father?
His reply, was as follows: ha, not quite let's talk about it tomorrow.
Um......not quite??? What the fuck?

It's now Wednesday, I've asked him to call me.  I've told him I'm not mad, just need some help in understanding. And I haven't heard a word.  Sometimes silence says more than words ever can.

I won't call him again.  The ball is now in his court. I'm sad and confused and hurt.  But I'm not angry.  Because all I have ever wanted for him is joy.  And maybe now he has it.  I just wish I did too.

the tears won't stop

I know one day the tears will stop.  I will stop crying.  The hurt will subside.

I may never forget, but time and distance will make it all easier to bear. 

But right now, this fucking sucks.


I just want to stop hurting.  I want my heart to feel whole again and not ripped to shreds.  I want to know that it is ok to love, to trust, to hope.  But nothing feels right at this moment. 

What do I do with this information?  I know you can help me to at least understand, but for some reason you won't. And that just turns this fucked up equation into nonsense. Total fucking nonsense.

love overwhelming

I want a love overwhelming.

A love that is immense, intense and full.

Ripe, bursting with color and flavor

A love that consumes both loved and lover.

Intense, frightening in it's fervor

A love that fills me and strips me bare.

A love like no other.

Heard this clearly today...

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things. 

Wild Geese
a poem by Mary Oliver